SHABU PO NINONG, SHABU PO NINANG

Malamig ang gabi at masarap matulog kaya dumeretso na ko sa kwarto ko. Pagpasok ko nagulat ako nang makita ko ang isang magandang babaeng mahaba ang buhok, maputi at makinis ang balat, na nakahilata sa kama ko. Isang malaking T-shirt lang ang suot niya at wala nang iba. Tumingin sya sa akin na parang nang-aakit at tinawag ako. "Halika, tabihan mo ko." sabi niya. Lumapit naman ako, nanlalamig at nag-iisip kung sino ang babae na yon. Umupo ako sa dulo ng kama. "Tanggalin mo ang damit ko." sabi niya. Dahan dahan ko tinanggal ang t-shirt niya. Wala na syang suot maliban sa panty niya. Napalunok ako habang pinagmamasdan ko ang hubad niyang katawan. Kinuha nya ang aking kamay at hinatak akong papalapit sa kanya. Hahalikan ko na siya nang may narinig akong tunog sa labas. "Namamasko hooooooooooooooo!" . Napatigil ako. "May tao yata" sabi niya. "Wala yon" sabi ko. Hahalikan ko na ulit sana sya, "Namamaaaskooo hooooooo!". Hindi ko pinansin kahit alam kong may tao sa gate. Dadampi na sana ang labi ko sa labi niya nang biglang, "NAH-MAAAAHH-MAAHHHHSKKOOOOOHHH HOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" sabay pukpok ng bato sa gate- BLAG!! BLAG!! BLAG!!

Dun ako nagising.

"WALAAAAAAAAA! UBOS NAAAA!" ang sinigaw ko sa sobrang inis ko. Tangna nabitin ako dun ah. Pagtingin ko sa relo, alas diyes pa lang. Potah, alas sais na ko nakatulog at wala akong balak gumising ng maaga. Sinubukan ko ulit matulog, umaasa na baka andun pa rin yung magandang chick sa panaginip ko. Kaso kahit anong pilit ko hindi na siya nagpakita. In short, natulog na lang ulit ako habang nagsisigaw ang mga hinayupak na namamasko na yan.

Nakatulog naman ulit ako ng malalim kaso wala na talaga yung chikabebes. Ginising ako nung kapatid ng mga 2:30 pm dahil andyan daw yung kumpare kong adik, naghahanap ng pamasko para sa inaanak ko. Adik kamo? Oo tama ang pagkaka-basa mo. Malamang ang tanong ngayon eh "Paano ka nagkaroon ng kumpareng adik?"

Ganito kasi ang kwento non. Dati may half court na malapit sa bahay namin. Tuwing sabado at linggo naglalaro ako don tuwing hapon. Mahaba pa ang buhok ko non dahil nalilito pa ko sa gusto kong maging career ko. Hindi ko pa alam kung gusto ko maging basketball star o kaya rock star. Kaya ayun, naglalaro ako ng basketball habang naghuhumataw ang ponytail ko. hehe. Ayun din yung mga panahong mayaman pa ako dahil buhay pa ang tubol mobile. hehe. Mabalik tayo. Si "KA" (kumpareng adik) ay bagong salta lamang non nung mga panahon na yon. Nakikisali lang siya. May pagka-"deformed" ang kanang braso niya, para bang may polio, pero magaling naman maglaro kahit papano. Lagi niya kong kinukuhan kakampi. Madalas kami manalo sa larong dalawahan (two on two). Pagkatapos ng mga isang buwan ng kalalaro ng basketball, dumating siya sa bahay namin at iniimbita niya ko maging ninong ng anak niya. Eh hindi ko pa naman siya ganun kakilala kaya parang gusto kong tumanggi. Eh kaso sabi ng matatanda BAWAL TUMANGGI. Malas daw. Kaya ayun nakita ko na lang ang sarili ko na may hawak na kandila sa isang "mass baptism" sa isang simbahan ng protestante. Sus! Ga-daming tao. Wala man lang magandang ninang. hehe.

Natawa ang mga kabarkada ko sa akin dahil sa nangyari. Sabi ko nagtataka rin ako kung bakit kinuha akong ninong ng anak niya kahit isang buwan pa lang kami magkakilala. Sabi nila adik nga daw si KA at yung inaanak ko na yon eh pangalawang panganay na niya. AYOS! Kinuha daw akong ninong non dahil may kotse daw ako at astig daw ang porma ko dahil long hair nga daw ako. Eh ang problema, wala naman akong trabaho. Mga tao nga naman, makita lang na may kotse ka ang tingin na sayo ay mayaman. Eh wala na, nangyari na eh.

Walang paltos tuwing pasko, dumadaan silang pamilya dito at namamasko. Wala ring paltos, lagi ako bagong-gising. Puro candy at damit lang ang nireregalo ko. Bawal ang pera dahil mahirap na kung bumili si tatay ng candy niya. Isang beses, hindi pasko non, dumating si KA, at siyempre kagigising ko pa lang non, nanghihingi ng pambili ng gamot para sa anak niya. May sakit daw si inaanak (di ko nga alam yung pangalan eh). Sabi ko wala akong pera dahil wala akong trabaho. Hiningi ko na lang yung address nila at yung pangalan ng gamot na kailangan ng bata, sabi ko dadalhin ko na lang dun sa bahay nila. Sinabi niya sa akin kung papano pumunta sa bahay nila pero malabo ang instructions niya, para bagang nililito niya ako para pera na lang ang ibigay ko. Bumanat pa siya ulit ng isa pang "Sige na tol, inuubo kasi si baby eh. Kahit magkano ok lang."

Binigyan ko ng bente pesos. hehe. Naninigurado lang naman.

Anong sinabi ko kanina kay KA? Hindi ako lumabas, pinasabi ko na lang na bumalik siya sa bagong taon na kasama ang bata.

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Paging sa mga inaanak ko na si Reese na anak ni Dioyoyoy and kay Jetri na anak ni Boli at Lala: Magkaka-trabaho na si Ninong ngayong 2004. Dadating na ang educational plan nyo. Nakanampotah! Ang yabang ni ninong, puro satsat!


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To "testify" was based on men in the Roman court swearing to a statement made by swearing on their testicles. Nai-imagine ko na. Haha!

SIN-BANG GABI

It is said that simbang gabi is the longest and most popular among all Filipino traditions. It is also said that its roots have been traced back to the late 1500's in Mexico. Matagal na pala nating ginagawa ang simbang gabi pero ngayong taon ko lang talaga nalaman kung para saan yon. Or baka tanga lang ako. hehe. Nine day Novena pala ang simbang gabi para kay Mama Mary. Akala ko dati pa-galingan lang gumising ng maaga at kung sino maka-buo eh panalo. Sinasabi din nila na kapag na-kumpleto mo ang nine days, matutupad ang wish mo. Eh ako nakumpleto ko eh. Ano kaya ang mai-wish?

Ang simbang gabi din daw according to one of the homilies is about sacrifice. Sacrifice ba? Eh bakit nung nagsisimba ako, nakikita kong naghahanap ng mga chicks ang mga kabataang lalaki don? Wala akong narinig kundi "Yun o!" at "Shet ayun sya o!" Tangna may narinig pa nga ako habang nagho-homily na "Tangna ang sarap sa kama niyan!" Hehehe. Sacrifice nga. Tiisin mo na wag kang tigasan habang nagmimisa.

Sabi rin daw na it does not matter if one has the stamina to complete the novena or not, what really matters is what is inside the heart. What really matters is inside the heart. hmmmm. Sabi ng katabi ko nung isang beses "Antagal matapos ng misa, gutom na ko, may libreng pandesal daw mamaya." Wangk wangk. Baka what really matters is what's inside the stomach.

I dont know but for some reason, simbang gabi gives you an air of joy (hindi reyes, macky. hindi reyes.) and happiness. Parang tuwing lalabas ka ng bahay at mararamdaman mo ang malamig na simoy ng hangin eh parang masaya ka. Lalo na't pag nakita mo na malinaw ang langit at kitang kita ang lahat ng mga bituin. Tapos pagdating mo sa simbahan eh nakikita mo ang mga parol at mga ilaw na maliliwanag na kumikisap-kisap habang naririnig mo na pinapatugtog ang mga kantang pamasko. Mas masaya pa kapag nadaanan mo ang mga naka-hilera na nagtitinda ng suman, bibingka, at puto bumbong sa tabi ng kalye. Mas lalo pang masaya kung magaling yung pari mag-homily. Meron kasing mga paring parang mahal na araw mag-homily sa simbang gabi eh. Parang gusto ko tuloy mag-penitensya pagkatapos ng misa. Mas masarap din mag-simba kung magaling ang choir. Buti na lang magaling ang choir sa simbahan namin. Kung tumugtog ng Ama Namin parang banat ng southborder. Puro miyembro kasi ng showband yung tumutugtog eh. Kaso yung nga lang kanina nung midnight mass ok na sana dahil full live band. Kumpleto with drums, bass, gitara, keyboards. Kaya lang kung bumanat ng kanta eh parang slow rock. Scorpions baga. Humaba nga buhok ko sa ilong eh.

Pero kahit ano pa ang mangyari, depende na rin sa tao kung ano ang pananaw niya sa misa. Ika nga sa nabasa ko "The blessing does not depend on the number of mass attended, but what is important is the disposition of the person who receives the Lord's blessing." Nakanampotah bigat!

Ano kaya ang wish ko?

A. Limpak-limpak na salapi para mabili ko ng bagong mags si Nukis Uchi
B. Limpak-limpak na salapi para mapadala ko sa Paris si Lavender Fields
C. Limpak-limpak na salapi para may mapakain ako na masustansyang pagkain kay Leigh Cheri
D. Limpak-limpak na salapi para mabilhan ko ng lalaking pangit na mautak si Malatemail
E. Limpak-limpak na salapi as in limpak-limpak na salapi para mapa-lipo ko si Tiffy
F. Limpak-limpak na salapi para makapag-arkila ng hardinero na gugupit sa balbon na front lawn nina Bang and Blame
G. or Limpak-limpak na salapi lang
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Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning. Kaya isasawsaw ko na ang apple sa kape para mas effective.

WHEN YOU'RE DOWN AND OUCH

I had an experience back in college during my sophomore year that changed the meaning of friendship for me. I was on my way home trudging the inclined road towards the library just near the "kalapegasus" (kalabaw na may pakpak) when I saw two girls that I knew. As I approached them I noticed that one was crying while the other was pacifying the latter. I smiled and greeted them, pretending not to notice the situation. The "pacifier" explained to me that the "crying lady" flunked an exam. I nodded to acknowledge and started to continue my walking. The "pacifier" told me to try and calm the "crying lady" but I thought that I didn't want to get mixed up in that sort of "drama" so I just smiled and said "Kaya mo na yan" then went on my way. As I walked I heard the "pacifier" say "What a friend!"

When I got home in faculty, I slumped into a chair and thought of what the "pacifier" said. I said to myself "I shoul've at least tried to talk to her." There was a sense of guilt in me and I could'nt get over it. W-H-A-T-A-F-R-I-E-N-D kept ringing in my ears. I wondered if I was in "crying girl's" shoes, who needed some sympathy and some boosting up. Of course I would need all the OK-LANG-YAN's and DONT-WORRY-BUMAWI-KA-NA-LANG-NEXT-TIME's that I can get. So from then on, I made a vow that I would be the "great pacifier" of anyone who's in need of a shoulder to lean on. COMMERCIAL: (kanta ni nelson del castillo na "if you need a friend") If you need a friend that you can depend.(poetic justice?) hehe. So that's what I did (I think). Lahat ng kaibigan kong nagda-dalamhati dahil may problema sa lovelife, dinadamayan ko. Kapag may problema sa trabaho at naghahanap ng mapaglalabasan ng sama ng loob, pupunta ako. Kapag may nag-aaway na magkaibigan, sinusubukan kong pagbatiin. Kapag may naagrabyado, pinagtatanggol ko. Pero syempre hindi lagi, dahil hindi naman sa lahat ng pagkakataon eh available ako. Alam mo naman ang showbiz. Hardyharhar!

But anyway just recently I was in a sort of "down" state. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ako hindi masaya nung araw na yon. Siguro nag-halo lang yung mga frustrations ko sa career (meron ba), sa recent relationship kong sobrang bitter ako(yahoo!), sa mga plano kong hindi matuloy-tuloy(surfing in hawaii, skiing in aspen,), and siguro dahil apat na araw na akong hindi lumalabas. I couldn't think of any happy thoughts. It was the time I needed encouragement. It was the time I needed cheering up. In short, I just needed a friend. I didn't have any plans to go out that time til the phone rang. It was one of my long time friends, itago na lang natin sya sa pangalang "violy"(parang manicurista yata). Niyaya ako ni violy lumabas at samahan siyang mag-shopping. Mas mabilis pa sa alas-kuwatro eh bihis na ko. At last may makakausap na rin ako! Nung nagkita na kami, syempre konting small talk, konting chismisan. Sinamahan ko na rin sya mamili ng kung ano-ano. Nilibre niya ko ng dinner. Tapos naglakad-lakad na kami para matunawan, hanggang nakahanap na kami ng mauupuan. Umupo kami don at nag-kwentuhan tungkol sa buhay. Dahan dahan ko nang nilabas nung mga dalamhati ko hanggang umabot yung usapan sa pag-ibig. Oo ate Charo, pag-ibig. hehe. Nag-sentimyento ako sa kanya tungkol sa nakaraan kong relasyon. Ang una kong narinig na "reaction" galing sa kanya ay "Masyado ka kasi ma-pride eh." (wow super encouraging). Mamaya-maya ang sunod na sinabi niya ay "Baka sarili mo lang iniisip mo?" (Ah eh, baka gusto mo kong kampihan, hindi ka naman si Justice Davide diba?). Hindi ko na lang pinansin at tinuloy ko na lang ang kwento ko at baka sakaling mag-iba ang ihip ng hangin. Nung natapos na ako at ilang minuto bago dumating ang sundo niya, ang huling narinig ko sa kanya ay "The world doesn't revolve around you." Aaaaaaaarrrggggghhhhh! Anak ng pating, ako pa ang ginawang kontra-bida sa kwento ko. Kung manic depressive lang ako malamang naglasing na ko't nagpakamatay. What a friend!

Kaya ayun, umuwi akong mabigat ang tiyan, mabigat ang iniisip, at mas mabigat ang damdamin. Yun lang po ate charo.


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Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise. "Men are from mars...."

PASAS WITH WINGS

2nd of the "Fuck Pare" series (don't forget the low tone conyo accent)

Fuck pare! It was kadiri pare. In fact it was so kadiri you could say "Fuckity Fuck" pare! I was having my lunch at some cheap restaurant pare, my ulam was afritada. I was so hungry I just kept making nguya my food pare. Then as I was finishing my food pare, something black on my spoon caught my eye pare. I examined it and found out it was a langaw pare. Fuck talaga pare! I almost ate a langaw pare. Kadiri pare! Its just minsan na lang I eat in those cheap restaurants and they would serve me food with langaw pa. Fuck talaga pare. I really didn't want to eat there pare, I was just craving for another kind of food coz I'm sawa na kasi of steak and Japanese food pare. You know what I did pare? I wanted to sue them but I'm not masama naman na tao eh so I just gave them a check of P100,000 so that they could improve their sanitation pare. You know naman those poor folks pare, their kawawa coz they don't have much money like me pare. Anyway pare, would you like to come water- skiing with me? My treat pare.

The first time I encountered a fly on my food was during grade school. I ate a lot of street food then. I was enjoying a cup of Ice scramble, you know the thick pink liquid with ice shavings to which you had an option to put brown cow or powdered milk on top of it. Yep that's Ice scramble. Anyway, I was halfway through my cup when I saw the dead fly(it was actually a bangaw) floating like it was on cryonic suspension. Uggghhh! Yucky yucky. Buti na lang tinitingnan ko yung kinakain ko. Muntik ko nang makain.

The second time was in college. It was my birthday and my family went to LB to celebrate it with me. We ate in dalampasigan, I don't really remember if it was in los banos or calamba. I was eating chopsuey then suddenly it popped right out from under the carrot slice I was about to eat. I didn't know chopsuey had tausi? I also thought it was a raisin, but there weren't any other raisins on the dish. And also, raisins aren't ingredients of chopsuey. It was definitely a fly, or should I say "raisin with wings." Buti na lang busog na ako. "Isa pa ngang Coke."

Strike three was moments ago when I was having my afternoon lunch. Yup, you read it right, afternoon lunch. I woke up 2pm (aint I the productive one). Anyway, I was eating afritada, and buti na lang patapos na ako nung nakita ko. I just ate the remaining morsels of chicken in my plate and bought a 12oz coke.

The thing about finding flies in your food is at first you don't really care and just try to push it out to the side of your plate hoping that you won't lose your appetite. You try not to be bothered by it, especially when you're eating your favorite food. But as soon as your brain processes the situation, 3 seconds later, you start thinking. How it would have felt like if you had chewed on that lifeless black insect as your molars crush its body making the internal organs and bodily fluids gush out. Where the fly landed before dying into your food. It could have landed on the toilet. It could have landed on garbage. And oh my god if it landed on shit! And finally, how it could have tasted. Then the brain decides that it is something unpleasant and you start to react to it, i.e. loss of appetite, puking, etc.

Is there a way to avoid that? Well, what I do is I just drink coke. I can't explain it but coke removes my miseries. Hehe.

By the way, I classify flies according to its size. There are three- Langaw, Bangaw, Sangaw. Hehe. Langaw is the usual small sized house fly you see everyday. Bangaw is larger in size, more-rounded and aerodynamic, sometimes metallic green in color. Sangaw (or sometimes I call it Zangaw if its really big) is the largest of all. It is color black and triangular in shape and is a lousy flier. Weird huh? Hehe.


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Have you ever noticed that flies are fewer in number during the cold weather? That's because they hibernate and hide in warm, dry spaces such as attics and basements. Their eggs only hatch in temperatures between 24-35 degrees centigrade.

HIGH IS-COOL

Most people say that high school was the best part of their scholastic lives. I never agreed. For me, it sucked. I don't know why, but it just sucked. It's not that i hated it, but there's a thin line between hating something and thinking that something sucks. Anyway, I'd like to reminisce for a while and go back 17 years ago (Oo 17 years nga, bingi ka ba?) when i first landed on the "Catholic School for Brown Cows"-Lourdes School of Mandaluyong (thought bubble.....chimes sounding). It was my first day on 7th grade (naks, kunyari sa states), I was 11 years old. I was a transferee from a semi-private, lower standard, laid back school in Antipolo. Wearing a standard white school polo- with a name patch that indicated, ARCILLA, D.R.F. sewn just above the pocket that bore the school logo- which was neatly tucked into my "tae khaki" pants that matched my new shiny black "haruta" (kids sanggol pa kayo nung unang lumabas 'to. haha), and carrying a "president" attache case to which all my things were crammed in, I entered the room and sat on the nearest unoccupied chair. I didn't know anyone so I just sat there and observed. There were about 40 primates inside the room. About 15 were blusterous gorillas who were bunched up into a group as if they were bragging about the number of bananas they ate that morning. 10 were chimpanzees, some throwing crumpled paper sheets at each other, some were just jumping and fooling around. And the rest of them were a mix of tranquil apes and macaques that were scribbling notes, reading, or just staring blankly into space. And I? I was a plankton. I wondered "Who are these people?" "Are they really kids?" As the days went on, the plankton made friends with some monkeys and eventually evolved into a primate and started to socialize. He started talking banana too. I, the newly evolved primate, had a difficult time with mathematics. We were studying algebra. "What the heck is x and y?" "And could somebody please tell me what an intersection is?" I had to take remedial classes before they moved me up to high school. I remember one morning before classes started, as we entered the classroom, there was a commotion going on in the corridor. Everybody noticed something- it smelled kind of funny. Then somebody broke the news. "Putang ina, may tumae sa drawer ni Mrs. Soriano!" Hahaha! And as I laughed I said to myself "What planet is this?" Well, who would do such a thing like that? I mean, shit in a teacher's desk drawer? Sheesh. (end of daydream)

Then high school came. New teachers, new subjects, and for me, new pimples. You should have seen me. I looked like I had "bulutong tubig." It was a pathetic sight. Anyway, this was a place where there were two kinds of people- the "cool" and "un-cool". Of course I wasn't a member of either group, I was almost a nobody. But I had friends, and they were tagged as "Putok", "Paa", "Tartar", "Patis", and "Bondying" (all self-explanatory) Thank God they didn't find a good nickname for me and just called me by my surname. Well at least we were all treated the same by the teachers. I remember our social studies teacher. We called him "Balweg" coz he looked like Father Balweg the rebel priest. Everytime he catches you dozing off or not paying attention to the class, he makes you throw out the trash. I have to admit, I did that several times. Hehe. I also remember our vice rector who was a Franciscan priest who played basketball like Jaworski and Rudy Distrito. In other words, Paring malakas manggulang. We had also our C.L. teacher who one day told us before starting his lesson, that God didn't exist. HA????? (Our lesson was proofs of God's existence). There was also a time when the toilet exploded. Up to now, it still is a mystery who did it.

High school wasn't really that enjoyable for me until the other day when I met up with about 16 of my batch mates. The last time I saw them was graduation day '91. Nagulat ako nung may nakita akong kalbo na malaki ang tiyan. May nakita din akong mga taong mukhang congressman dahil sa itsura nila. Meron ding nagre-recede na ang hairline. Ito ba ang mga batchmates ko? As soon as I remembered who they were, and what they looked like back in high school, I thought of myself as lucky. We talked a lot of "Ano na ginagawa mo ngayon?" "Saan ka connected ngayon?" May asawa ka na ba?" "Ilan na ang anak mo?" I found out that the bald guy was lawyer now, one fat guy was a doctor already, another fat guy was an engineer, and most of them were married and have kids. And of course we talked about the days when we were high school students. And from those conversations I remembered that I was a member of the volleyball team which pushed my status a notch higher. I also remembered that I was a member of the school dance troupe. Gawd! Sumasayaw pala ako dati. Haha! When we talked about the yearbook I asked who did the write up on this certain guy that resembles the features of Igor. It said: "A face that only a mother could love". We all laughed then someone said that those write-ups were made by the closest friend of that person. We laughed again. And suddenly I remembered that the guy who did my write up was our tosser in the team and my cheatmate during consumer math quizzes (kinokopyahan ko sya). He was kind of a talkative person, he often praised me on my leaping abilities. He was an intelligent student and -- he's dead. (pagod na ko mag-english kaya tagalog naman) Miyembro siya ng Sigma Rho sa Diliman. Noong 1993 isang grupong SJ ang nag-"hit" sa kanya habang nakaupo siya sa isang kiosk. Hinataw siya ng tubo sa ulo. Comatose siya for ilang days tapos namatay din eventually. Ang pangalan niya ay Dennis Venturina. Ewan ko kung naaalala niyo pa siya. Na-diyaryo yun eh. Sayang, sya pa naman sana ang unang magiging suma cum laude ng batch namin. Sumalangit nawa ang kaluluwa niya. Anyway... back to the happy stories. Napag-usapan din naming yung mga taong may bansag na "Api", "Pinoy Thriller", "Kabayo", at "Palaka". Tumawa lang kami ng tumawa. Pina-alala din nila sa akin na ako ang assistant moderator sa section naming nung "himigsikan." Contest yon ng group singing tapos ako yung isang nagturo ng voicings dahil marunong ako mag-piano (labo). Hard to believe but oo nga pala ginawa ko pala yon. Nanalo kami non. Bago kami nag-uwian nag listahan kami ng mga contact numbers and email addresses. Isa ako sa mga huling nagsulat. Pagkatapos ko ilagay ang data ko, binasa ko ang mga email address ng iba. Lahat sila puro firstnamelastname@emailserviceprovider.com yung iba naman initials_lastname@emailserviceprovider.com ako lang ang may aeus_delicious@yahoo.com. Hahaha!

After we said goodbye, while I was on my way home I realized that high school wasn't really that bad. It was kind of fun even though I had lots of pimples and never had the audacity to talk to girls during those days. Hehe. The reunion made me feel that I wasn't such a nobody after all, but a role player. It was an experience. It didn't really suck. It was kind of.....cool.

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Cat's urine glows under a blacklight. Mapa-ihi nga yung pusa namin.

DISIPLINADOZ BEFORE MASKULADOZ

(conyo accent with a low tone)Fuck pare, I went to the gym yesterday pare, and guess what pare. My body hurts like hell pare! Fuck talaga pare. I gotta go to the spa and have a massage pare. And you would'nt believe it pare, i met Cindy Corleto at the gym and she wants to go jetskiing with me pare. I turned her down pare. Im sawa na of jetski, I always do that every other day in our resort in Palawan. And besides, my body really hurts pare, I just need a massage pare.(end of conyo accent). It's been a month since I last visited the gym. I went back yesterday and tried out my newly formulated muscle gain program. It was an hour's work out with ultra-heavy weights. Yup I guess I did the wrong thing. I should've done a "break-in" session first before lifting heavy. Kaya kanina, potah, hindi ako makabangon! Ansakit ng katawan ko! Arghhhhh! But its ok, its just the kind of "sakit ng katawan" that you would love to have. It makes you feel fit, healthy and strong. Unlike the body aches you get from other activities, this one counts as something fulfilling. There is a big difference between muscle pain from exercise and those pains you get from activities like standing or sitting for a long period of time. In normal circumstances, you would naturally not want any pain. But in working out, you yearn for pain. Coz if there isnt any pain produced, the work out failed. Hence the statement "No pain, no pain...este gain". But of course, it should be muscle pain that you should experience. Some people mistake pain coming from a sprain- due to a wrong exection of the exercise- with muscle pain. Not knowing the difference could bring adverse effects to the body.

It takes three things to make you reach your goal - will, determination, and a whole lot of discipline. It's a cliche but it's true. I meet different kinds of people in the gym, and judging from their attitude towards their work out I can easily judge who will stay or who will go. I once met this first timer, an ulitimate idiot. hehe. I asked her why she wanted to work out. She answered "Gusto ko kasi magpa-sexy eh, malaki kasi ang tiyan ko. Tsaka kaka-break lang namin ng boyfriend ko kaya gusto ko malibang." HAHAHAHAHA! I wanted to laugh but could'nt. I was appointed as her instructor. Her first work out consisted of just a few easy exercises plus a 20 min brisk walk on the treadmill. After she finished her treadmill I heard the first "angal". "Grabe ang hirap pala nito!" Hahaha! Then we started the main work out. It wasnt an easy task for me coz she kept on wailing about how hard the work out is. Until she told me she was tired and wanted to go home. So she went home. Elapsed time: SIX SETS. Hahaha! She came back the next day to ask us if she could get a refund coz she didnt expect that it was going to be difficult. "Kala ko kasi madali lang eh." What an idiot. She went home without the money.

I also instructed a 5'4" pudgy 40 year old guy who weighs about 180 lbs. He told me he could take in as much as 24 bottles of beer. Tangna tol, hindi ako magtataka dahil anlaki talaga ng tiyan. One could say "Pucha hindi na papayat yan!" He told me his doctor required him to lose weight because he was already encountering some health problems. I gave him a diet no one else could have attempted to try. During his first few sessions it was really excruciating for him coz he wasnt that flexible enough, he could do 4 sit ups max. During the second week he showed some signs of improvement and got accustomed to the training. He was very diligent with his workout. He came everyday after work. He asked a lot of questions like "how?" and "why?" which showed he was really interested in what he was doing. And true enough after a month, he lost 30 lbs. His waistline was trimmed down from 40 to 35. He could now see his feet. hehe. It still wasnt his goal but, he was on his way. He was also on his way to healthy living.

Anyway, before I end this i'd like to commend my friend miss (or mrs.) bang & blame for a job well done. Hot na hot ka na talaga! It was quite an improvement. I think she lost almost 20 lbs. Mga 10 lbs na lang bagay na kayo ni mark nelson. Mag-ingat ka na NUKI boy, maraming hahabol diyan. Haha!

Pounds to shed off for these people:

Bulatemail: 25 lbs..kung gusto maging kasing sexy ni VJ nadia nakatunggali(?).
Purga speak: 15 lbs i think...kung gusto mo ipagpalit ang pagnood ng lotr sa pag-gym.
Late Cheri: 10 lbs...para magkasingbigat na kyo ng bagong panganak na baby. haha.
Lavandera Fields: Ano ba kasi nangyari sayo eh??? hahaha! 20 lbs
PUKIs UCHI: mag-jamming na lang tayo, wag ka na mag-work out. hehehe.

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The first color of coke was green. Bakit kaya pinalitan?

DOMO ARIGATO MISTER ROBOTO

And we all thought he was dead. Hah! Welcome home Kumander Robot! Finally they nailed the mother fucker. Its about time they caught him. His real name is Galib Andang which reminds me of Kahlil Gibran. achechepacheche! If Francis Magalona is the "Master Rapper" and Russel Crowe is "Master and Commander"(by the way, this movie is a NO-NO. It bored the shit out of me), I call Kumander Robot the "Master Kidnapper". Get ready coz you're gonna get your kidnapping ass whipped. You're gonna pay for those innocent civilians you kidnapped and beheaded. Tangna, di ko ma-gets kung bakit kailangan pugutan ang taong walang kinalaman sa buhay mo. I was just thinking, what if this guy kidnapped my mom or my dad? or even one of my friends? (i would'nt mind if they got my ex-girlfriend. teeheehee) I can imagine myself getting ready for a rescue ops mission like sylvester stallone in those "overkill" rambo movies- tying my boot's laces with a hard yank (for the macho effect), putting on black war paint stripes on my face and body, putting my shiny silver rambo hunting knife into its sheath, picking up my m-60 and loading it then wrapping my body with those m-60 ammo belts so it looks like an X on my torso, and lastly, the rambo headband. Next scene would be jumping out of an army plane and "parachuting" my way down to the jungle of basilan, blasting all of those filthy ass abu sayaf mother fuckers to kingdom come, and finally rescuing the prisoners. Okay end of daydream. Now in real life, i just would'nt know what to do. I'd spend everyday praying and praying and praying and praying, getting ready for the worst and hoping for the best. thats all i would do. Hell if I had a lot of money I'd hire commandos like those guys in "the rock" and "executive decision." But still, nobody can't do nothin' without money. And thats reality. And it really bites.

MULTIPLE CHOICE: What would you do if the abu sayaf kidnapped the following people?

Choices:
a) Exhaust all your resources to gather a team of covert ops commandos for a rescue mission just to ensure his/her safety.
b) Pay ransom, and when he/comes home alive he/she is gonna get some ass whoopin for being stupid.
c) Call the Abu Badaf to settle negotiations.
d) Give extra funding to the Abu Sayaff. Bwahahahahaha!
e) Hmmmmmmm... let me see...
f) others pls specify _________

1. Diane - A
2. Macky - F - the Al Qaeda will clear things up for him so no need to worry.
3. Louie - A
4. Joffin - A
5. Bong - E...sige na nga A or pwede na ring...hehe.
6. Dyno - B
7. Bum - A but C can do.
8. Tiffany - C
9. Gitz - B
10. Sally - C
11. Erap - D
12. EXGF - D (sorry masarap ang ampalaya!)

By the way, remeber the 80's song mr.roboto? i just learned it was sang by styx.